the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
birth control should be required to get into college
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
My ass is underappreciated
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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