she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
