apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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