Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
