I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
