people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize