Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
