I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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