I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
