wanna go halves on a baby?
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
