I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
