They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
