Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
