The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
17 Subtle Body Language Signs That Reveal A Lot About Someone
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.