matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
