I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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