A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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