You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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