Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
