Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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