First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
