TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
