I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
