John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
