Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
should my penis look like a turkey
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
