i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
