Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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