The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
