you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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