I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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