I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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