Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
