I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
