So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
