I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
