If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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