my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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