My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
