I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
