I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
tonight lets celebrate not being married
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
