Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
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I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
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I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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