so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
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I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
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Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.