when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost