I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...