I was born with a shot glass in my hand
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
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