So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Randomize
