i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.