I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
