I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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