so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
