Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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