Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
My vagina just clenched in fear
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
