My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
