you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Randomize
