there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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