My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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