my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
