the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
