My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
