I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
