god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
